


i almost made it through a year (of choking down my fears);

by unintentionallyangsty



Series: drive the dark things away; [14]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies), Thor: Ragnarok (2017) - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Bittersweet Ending, Blood, Brodinsons, Brother Feels, Brotherly Angst, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dissociation, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hallucinations, Heavy Angst, Hugs, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki Gets a Hug (Marvel), Loki Lives (Marvel), Memories, Men Crying, Mental Health Issues, New Asgard, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), References to Depression, Self-Harm, Sharing a Bed, Suicidal Thoughts, Thor (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Whump, Whumptober, Whumptober 2020
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2020-10-18
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:46:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27074446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unintentionallyangsty/pseuds/unintentionallyangsty
Summary: Even years after the settlement of New Asgard, everything is not fixed for everyone. It would be pure ignorance, as it were, to assume otherwise.Thor and Loki still have their scars, their bad days, and their own personal demons that need slaying.This is one of Loki's.(Whumptober 2020 Prompt #16 Fill: Hallucinations).
Relationships: Loki & Thor, Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Series: drive the dark things away; [14]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1949623
Comments: 23
Kudos: 144
Collections: Whumptober 2020





	i almost made it through a year (of choking down my fears);

**Author's Note:**

> Loki & Thor. Takes place in New Asgard. Loki is alive and Infinity War has decidedly Not happened.
> 
> written for the Whumptober 2020 Prompt #16 Fill: Hallucinations. 
> 
> **chapter warnings !** : mentions of suicide attempts, suicidal ideation discussed, self-harm, and unreality/disassociation. pretty heavy stuff here, so please take care of yourselves!

Thor was munching halfheartedly on a piece of toast (peanut butter, which had seemed like a good idea until the spread had melted into a sticky paste on the surface of the hot toast and dribbled all over half of the report papers spread out on the tabletop before him) when the sound of someone scuffling at the doorstep made him glance briefly up from the paper he held in his opposite hand. 

He did not bother to rise and grant the visitor entry, however, and instead took another large bite of his toast before turning to wash it down with a generous swig of coffee. 

There were only two or three people that might be stopping by before 8am on a Saturday morning, after all, and only one that Thor was expecting. 

When he’d awoken, nearly an hour before, he’d immediately felt that something was amiss; a sort of hollowness within the center of his chest that would not allow him to slip easily back into sleep. 

So he had arisen and, with one glance toward the back living space-turned-bedroom where Loki resided, the reason for Thor’s initial discomfort had immediately been made clear. 

Loki’s bed was empty, the owner nowhere to be found. 

And, Thor considered, when they had first settled into their new home over a year before, he would have been instantly alarmed at finding his brother missing so early in the morning. 

Now, however, he had long since become used to Loki’s tendency to rise early and take long, solitary walks throughout the village or along the surrounding cliffs. 

Loki did not discuss the occasional disappearances, and Thor had never asked, not wanting to frighten his brother off by prying too intensely about his personal habits and therefore run the risk of triggering a much longer (if not permanent) disappearance, entirely. 

So the cycle had continued, and Thor had slowly grown accustomed to Loki’s absences, the sight of Loki’s blankets folded neatly at the foot of the mattress becoming almost something of a comfort, as time had gone on. 

And, though this particular absence had felt as if it had stretched on for significantly longer, Thor would be the first to admit to his tendency to sleep hours longer than Loki, most mornings, and was therefore hardly given the opportunity to wait up for his brother’s return. 

Which, of course, was enough to cause Loki to stumble to a halt almost as soon as he let himself into the house, now, one hand still on the doorknob and brows furrowed as his gaze fell to where Thor was sat, a small and welcoming smile on his face as he fought not to straighten too eagerly at Loki’s return. 

“Welcome back.” Thor murmured, keeping his voice low, as the earliness of the morning seemed to dictate. 

Loki, for his part, blinked slightly before straightening, and turned to close the door slowly behind him before he offered a response. 

“You’re up.” 

“Couldn’t sleep.” Thor dismissed past the remainder of his toast he had recently stuffed into his mouth, and shrugged slightly. 

Almost immediately, Loki turned to face him again, and raised one eyebrow pointedly. 

An expression Thor would have almost called concern, if it had been on anyone else’s face. 

As it were, he did not need to hear Loki’s next words to understand his unspoken question. 

“I slept fine.” Thor informed, lowly. 

_No nightmares_. Were the words that went unspoken between them. _Not this time_. 

Even still, the tension in Loki’s shoulders relaxed minutely, and he offered an almost imperceptible nod before turning again and beginning to toe his sneakers off, his hands rising to unbutton his thick down jacket as he did so.

Thor watched him silently, making a small attempt to be subtle about his study after having been called out countless times in the past for similar behavior, and felt himself frown when he noticed the slightly tremble of Loki’s hands, and the way he fumbled almost clumsily at the buttons of his jacket, though his gaze remained trained listlessly on his shoes, as if hardly aware of his own movements, at all. 

The uncoordinated movements could have easily been a result of Loki’s walking for too long out in the no doubt frigid morning air, Thor reminded himself before he could become too worried. 

After all, the flush on Loki’s cheeks and the almost bright red tint to his nose inarguably attested to the fact. 

There was something about the way Loki continued to fumble, however, coupled with the way he remained turned almost intentionally away from Thor, his breaths beginning to become a bit shallow as he continued to work at the buttons of his jacket with increasing fervor, that told Thor that there was something else at play here. 

“Loki,” he began, allowing his eye to fall back to the paper he’d abandoned on the tabletop, and took care to keep his tone low and unimposing. “Everything alright?” 

To his surprise (though, rationally, Thor knew that he should have ceased being surprised by Loki centuries beforehand), Loki did not immediately bristle at the words. 

Rather, some of the tension returned to his shoulders and he paused, his shoes tucked neatly into the corner and his coat halfway unbuttoned, before sighing, his eyes fluttering closed as he seemed to take just a brief moment to compose himself. 

“I need to talk to you.” Loki replied, too quickly to be considered quite casual, and turned to face Thor fully, expression held almost entirely steely and determined but for the flicker of anxiety just behind his eyes. 

As soon as the words registered, Thor felt something within him chill, though he fought valiantly to keep his expression neutral as he could feel Loki’s gaze skittering restlessly over his face. 

“Alright.” he consented, quietly, and offered one small nod of acknowledgement. 

Loki blew out a short breath in return and, after having hastily undone the rest of the buttons on his jacket, moved forward to step into the sitting room.

It was only when he removed the garment entirely and draped it absentmindedly over the arm of the sofa in the corner, rather than hanging it carefully and neatly into his self-proclaimed corner of the hall closet as he usually would have done, that Thor realized that something was truly amiss. 

“Loki,” he repeated, his stomach beginning to tie itself into sickening knots when Loki did not continue. 

“Hmm?” Loki raised one brow inquiringly, though his gaze remained on where his fingertips were still fidgeting with the end of the sleeve of his jacket. 

“You said you wanted to talk to me about something?” Thor prodded, and took the brief moment of silence that followed the question to swallow thickly in an attempt to steel himself. 

“Y--Yes.” Loki blew out another small, slow breath, and hesitated visibly before turning on his heel to face the kitchen (and, subsequently, Thor) with a small and almost heartbreakingly fragile smile. “Yes, I--Can I make coffee?” 

Before Thor could so much as open his mouth to reply, Loki was surging forward, his now visibly trembling hands outstretched toward the drawer where they kept their tea and coffee grounds stashed. 

“O--Of course.” Thor nodded again, and swallowed back the urge to suggest that Loki make something a little less caffeinated (tea, perhaps) to drink while he was so clearly...tense.

Instead, he forced himself to simply watch in silence as Loki threw the drawer before him open with what was probably too much force, nearly tearing it off its track entirely, only to pause, his expression creasing into one of vague discomfort and confusion as his eyes flickered over the contents of the drawer as if not quite seeing them. 

Thor tensed, and forced himself to remain seated, rather than surging forward to wrap his arms around Loki’s rigid figure then and there, in a desperate attempt to comfort. 

He felt his hands tighten upon the tabletop, his knuckles paling dramatically, and had to force himself to take a deep breath before murmuring, gently, “It’s to the right, Loki.” 

Loki startled badly at the words, almost as if he had forgotten that anyone else was in the room at all, and turned to shoot Thor an almost perplexed look. 

“What?” 

“The coffee.” Thor reminded, and nodded down to the still open drawer. “It’s to the right.” 

“I--Of course.” Loki muttered, and took a moment to glance hesitantly between the contents of the drawer and Thor’s own expression (which he fought to keep almost entirely neutral, if not a bit encouraging) before he nodded absently and reached for the package of coffee. 

Minutes later, the beverage was brewing in the pot at the corner of the kitchen, and Thor felt himself relax minutely at the familiar smell, reminded almost immediately of mornings he and Loki had spent similarly, relaxed for once in each other’s quiet company and sipping at their coffee as they had allowed themselves the time to awaken slowly, and prepare themselves for whatever the day might have held. 

However, Thor remembered as a small frown creased his features, none of those mornings had involved Loki’s informing him of a need for them to talk, before falling almost worryingly silent as he watched the coffee brew, arms hung listlessly at his sides even as his hands trembled visibly. 

Again, Thor had to swallow back the urge to stand and cross the kitchen in order to take one of those hands between his own and hold it for as long as it took to quell the tremors. 

Instead, he allowed himself to glance away and gather his hair (having grown, slowly as it was, just long enough to do so, now) loosely behind his head in a newly rediscovered nervous habit. 

Loki, it seemed, was struggling against his own urge to fall into familiar habits, and had moved one hand to rub anxiously with his thumb at the palm of the opposite, his lower lip caught between his teeth as he watched the last of the coffee brew. 

There was a beat as the coffee pot hissed as the pot finished brewing, before Loki blinked, as if shaking himself from a daze, and took an almost clumsy step forward to retrieve a mug from the cabinet to the right (large and patterned with small, yellow flowers; a gift from the Valkyrie not a year before).

After having poured a generous amount of the noxious brew into the mug (Loki always made coffee far stronger than Thor cared for), Loki turned with a bit of a jerk, as if intending to approach the table--

Only to pause, his shoulders held tense and his gaze skittering hesitantly over the table as he cradled the mug of hot coffee gently between both his hands.

It was eerily similar to those scant few moments during his attempted reign over Midgard, where Loki’s features would smooth out, his eyes going blank as if he was struggling to remember exactly where he was, and for what purpose. 

The thought set Thor’s stomach ill at ease, and he grimaced slightly before prodding, “Loki?” 

Unsurprisingly, Loki’s reaction was significantly delayed, and when he finally did react, it was with an almost violent flinch that did nothing to calm Thor’s nerves. 

“It’s alright.” Thor soothed, gently. “We’re just talking, remember?” 

Loki blinked slightly and, after another moment, his gaze mercifully cleared.

“I know that, you oaf.” he murmured, though it seemed that something about the interaction had comforted him somewhat, for Loki seemed to shake himself before he squared his shoulders, and approached the table to take the seat across from Thor, albeit tentatively. 

There was a dull _thunk_ as Loki set his mug onto the table, then, and Thor fought the urge to fidget as he watched his brother worry it between his hands, his eyes still not rising quite high enough to meet Thor’s past the dark curtain of hair that had fallen into his face. 

“So…” Thor attempted, and inhaled sharply before forcing himself to plow ahead, “You wanted to...to talk?” 

“Ah,” Loki replied, and huffed a small laugh. “Yes. I suppose I should start with the most important facts first.” 

He blinked multiple times in rapid succession then, before he straightened, tossed his hair back lazily, and levelled Thor with a look so cool and neutral Thor nearly reeled back beneath it. 

Would have, potentially, were it not for Loki’s next words. 

“I saw mother.” 

A cool silence settled between them, then, and Thor considered, distantly, as if in a dream, that he could not have stopped the way his hands tightened on the wood at the edge of the table between them if he had tried. 

Thor blinked, shook his head, and blinked again, something cold and heavy dropping into his stomach as the words registered at the very back of his mind, only to be almost immediately tossed to the wayside by the memories that surged up just after.

( _Frigga turning guiltily from her magic-powered conversation with an imprisoned Loki._

_Frigga warning him of the dangers of the riots happening in the prisons._

_Frigga promising to look after Jane…_

_Frigga’s hand on his cheek, warm and comforting…_ )

( _Loki’s briefly stricken face, as their mother had cast her ever-loving, now-disappointed gaze on him as he had been drug before the throne for his trial, on leashes and chains like an animal_ ).

“What?” Thor managed to gasp out past the sharp pain he could feel lacing through the space between his ribs. 

“I saw mother.” Loki repeated in that flat, infuriatingly emotionless tone. 

Thor blinked, and shook his head slightly “N--No, Loki.” he grit out, now, and allowed himself to run one hand over his face as he fought to keep his expression from cracking too obviously. “She--She’s--” 

“I know that.” Loki snapped, again, though his words held little bite, even now, and he only managed to remain bristled for another few seconds before he collapsed forward with the force of his reedy exhale. 

“Nevertheless…” he hesitated, before raising his eyes to meet Thor’s, again. “I saw her, Thor. She was…” 

He trailed off, though the vaguely haunted look behind his eyes made Thor’s blood run cold. 

“Did she--” he hesitated, and inhaled a sharp breath before forcing himself to continue, “Loki, did she...say anything to you?” 

He did not, after all, doubt Loki’s abilities, as far as his seiðr was concerned. If anyone were to be visited by someone that had long been laid to rest, it would have been Loki. 

Particularly, Thor remembered with an internal wince, since Loki had not been given the opportunity to say his goodbyes properly. 

It was only Loki’s own hesitation, coupled by the faint sense of unease Thor could feel still building within his chest, that clued Thor in to the fact that there was little magic at work, here. 

No, he concluded, this was not a visit paid from Valhalla. Had Frigga something to impart to either of them, following her passing, Thor was confident that she would have done so long before now. 

Therefore, this was… 

This was something else, entirely. 

Almost immediately following Thor’s question, Loki let out a loud and almost jarring bark of laughter, his eyes falling to his yet untouched mug of coffee, again. 

“I--” he paused, and bit down on his lower lip hard enough to draw a droplet of blood to the surface. 

Thor winced at the sight, though he fought to remain motionless as Loki inhaled a small, tremulous breath. 

“You are aware that I tend to...walk, on occasion, yes?” he inquired, at length, and almost immediately drew the mug between his hands up to his mouth to take a long sip of his coffee. 

Thor blinked, a bit thrown by the sudden shift in topic, though he managed a soft, “Yes.” in reply. 

“Do you know where--where I tend to go?” Loki continued, almost to himself, as if Thor had not replied at all. “When I do?”

Nevertheless, Thor shook his head. “I do not.”

He had never thought to ask, and had been content enough to let the matter lie, when it seemed that Loki had not been willing to impart that particular bit of knowledge. 

There had, after all, been plenty of previously untouched truths spoken between them, since the fall of Asgard. A seemingly harmless truth kept hidden, therefore, had seemed exactly that. 

Harmless. 

Though, as Thor watched as Loki’s throat worked soundlessly, now, he wondered exactly just how willfully ignorant he had been, in dismissing the occurrences so easily. 

“Where do you go?” he inquired, hesitantly, as he was still slightly fearful that too direct a question would frighten Loki back into silence, entirely. 

As it were, Loki’s gaze only flickered up to his face, briefly, before he took another long drink of his coffee. 

“I--” he gasped, after a moment, and took the time to place the mug back onto the table and arrange carefully, before he continued, “I go to the cliffs.” 

The information was, admittedly, hardly surprising. For Thor had seen Loki treading up the hills to the cliffs just beyond their village numerous times, and had thought little of the fact, besides that his brother might occasionally be driven there by a desire to be left in solitude. 

Something about the way that Loki shared the information now, however, made him pause. 

“The cliffs above the village?” Thor prodded, at length. 

Immediately, some of the previous tension returned to Loki’s frame, and he fiddled with the mug before him as if attempting to line it up seamlessly with one of the larger knots in the wood of the table.

“No.” he replied, just as the silence was beginning to draw out a bit long for Thor’s liking. “To--To the cliffsides. At the forefront of the village.” 

At the admission, Thor felt something within him still dangerously. 

And, before he could stop it, another memory surged to the forefront of his mind--

( _“I could have done it, father!”_

_Loki’s grip on Gungnir loosening…_

_“No, Loki.”_

_Letting go…_ )

Surely not, Thor reminded himself firmly. 

It had been years since Loki had exhibited any similar behavior--

(-- _had it?_ ) 

Especially following their fight for Asgard. 

Surely, he reminded himself, any reason for concern would have presented itself far earlier than now. 

( _Yet had it, then?_ )

“The cliffsides.” Thor repeated, a little blankly, as he fought to keep himself fully attuned to the conversation at hand. “And this was where you--you think that you saw--” 

“She was _there_.” Loki interrupted, a glimmer of defensiveness creeping into the very edges of his tone as his shoulders crept higher in tension. 

“No!” Thor cried, and immediately regretted it when Loki fairly flinched at the volume. 

“N--No.” he continued, a bit softer, now. “I believe you, Loki. I just…” he trailed off, struggling for a way to convey exactly what he wished, at the present moment. 

( _What did she say?_ Or;

_Why the cliffsides, Loki?_ )

(Or, the ever present, 

_Are you alright?_ )

( _What aren’t you telling me?_ )

“Indeed,” Loki snorted, now, though some of the tension had already begun to drain back out from his form, almost as if he was too exhausted to maintain the facade. 

And, Thor considered as he eyed the dark circles stamped beneath his brother’s eyes, he very well might have been. 

“You--you said that she spoke to you?” he encouraged, when it seemed that Loki was not going to continue. 

Immediately, Loki snorted again. 

“I did not.” he replied, though he had finally drawn his gaze back to Thor’s, which Thor took to be a good sign. “Once again, you allow your willful beliefs to speak for you.” 

“And yet I am right.” Thor replied, almost immediately, and allowed himself a small smile when Loki shot him a scowl. 

“Perhaps.” Loki muttered, and raised a hand to begin chewing at the corner of his already well-worn thumbnail as he turned away to face the wall beside him, his gaze skittering a little frantically over nothing. 

It was a habit that Thor did not remember from their youth, though Loki had fallen back on it too many times in the past few years to call it anything but that.

Thor felt himself frown slightly now, at the sight of it, reminded immediately of the multiple times he had had to intervene in the past, before Loki could bite the nail down to a bloodied nub. 

(Or, his brain reminded, the times he had not paid enough attention, and had had to lead a mullish Loki to the bathroom to wash the wound before applying a bandage that would (hopefully) keep his brother away from the nail for at least another few days). 

Thor forced himself to keep still now, however, and bit his tongue against the protest rising at the back of his throat as he waited for Loki to feel comfortable enough to speak, again. 

And, at length, he did. 

“She--” Loki faltered, though something about his expression had smoothed out, somewhat, as he continued to face the wall. “She told me…”

He trailed off with a sharp, almost hiccuping inhale, then, and his expression took on an almost alarmed edge. 

Thor grit his teeth against the urge to fly out of his chair and wrap his arms around Loki’s now visibly trembling shoulders, as he knew that it would hardly encourage his brother to continue. 

“What did she tell you, Loki?” Thor prodded, when Loki inhaled sharply, again. 

“She told me that--that I was--” Loki released a small, breathless exhale, and Thor realized distantly that he was beginning to panic. “That I had--had failed her.” 

The final word was spoken brokenly, Loki’s voice rising to an almost shrill pitch as he allowed both his eyes to slip closed for a moment. 

“And--” a hiccup, “And--And-- _oh, Norns_.” 

He curled forward, then, and buried his face behind both hands as the trembling of his shoulders began to increase. 

Thor felt the sharp pain surge between his ribs again, and still he willed himself to remain where he was. 

_Not yet_ , he reminded himself as his fingers twitched toward Loki’s heaving, trembling figure. _Not quite._

“And what?” Thor pressed, not entirely sure why he felt the need to press the issue so insistently, yet determined, all the same. 

There was an unanswered question here, and one he knew needed to be addressed before Loki could truly calm.

“And what, Loki?” 

“And--” Loki did not raise his face from where it was hidden behind his long fingers, though he inhaled a suspiciously wet sounding breath before continuing, “You will not like it.” 

_I do not like any of this_ , Thor thought dismally, though he forced himself to inhale a small breath, his eye slipping briefly closed, before he offered a reply. 

“Nevertheless.” he countered. “I will not be angry. You can tell me, Loki.” 

It was almost humorous, Thor considered as he watched Loki’s shoulders relax minutely at the words, how angry and prideful and vain Loki could be, even at his best, and yet how quickly he could be taken apart by a few simple words that may have been better suited for a distraught child. 

Almost, were it not for the ache that Thor could feel building within him at the thought. 

The words seemed to have some of their desired effect, however. For, after another beat of silence, Loki straightened, and took a moment to wipe roughly at his face with the knuckles of his right hand, before he turned to face Thor entirely. 

At the unreadable look lingering just behind his slightly red-rimmed eyes, Thor registered distantly that he may not have wanted to hear the end of Loki’s sentence, at all. 

Which, of course, was exactly when Loki opened his mouth to continue. 

“She told me to follow her.” he concluded, toneless. “To jump. To--to let go.” 

_To let go…_

( _“Loki, no!”_ )

Thor felt as if the ground had dropped out from beneath him, and could hardly manage an inhale past the cold lump that had lodged itself into the back of his throat. 

Dimly, he was aware of the sensation of blood draining from his face, and he swayed slightly in his seat as Loki continued to speak; rapidly now, as if a dam had been broken, and all the words previously pent up within him were falling over each other in their haste to spill out. 

“I--She was--was disappointed. She _told_ me she was disappointed.” Loki snarled in disgust, now, his hands twisting together in his lap so tightly the knuckles went white. “That I had failed her. And yet--And yet she wanted me to join her. And I _wanted_ to!” 

This last bit came out cracked and wretched, and Loki’s brows furrowed in something almost like confusion. “I wanted to follow her. To--to see what would happen, perhaps. Or--or--” he cut himself off with an unsteady gasp, before he stilled. 

“To prove that I am a worthy son.” Loki whispered, almost too himself, a haunting echo of an explanation spat so long past Thor had nearly forgotten it. 

“I could have been--could have been better.” The thumbnail found its way to his mouth again, and Thor watched, distantly, almost as if outside of his own body, as Loki bit down on it fiercely. 

The sight of blood spurting immediately to the edge of the nail drew Thor roughly back to the present, and he hardly had a moment to register that he’d risen to his feet (so roughly he dimly registered his chair overturning behind him) before he was surging forward and crashing to his knees beside where Loki was still sat, his eyes terrifyingly distant. 

“Loki…” 

“I would have been better.” Loki muttered, and slowly began to rock himself forward and back. “Would have--I wanted to go.” 

The blood from beneath the nail continued to bubble, and began to stain Loki’s front teeth red as he bit forcibly at it, again. 

“Loki!” Thor cried, unable to stop himself from lurching upward, now, though he forced his movements to remain gentle as he extended his hand, slowly, to rest on Loki’s wrist. 

“Stop.” Thor commanded, and tugged at the limb, softly enough, though it seemed enough to get Loki to release his hold with a startled blink. “Loki, enough. Please.” 

He drew Loki’s arm closer to himself, and covered the hand, the now thoroughly bloodied thumb, beneath both of his own. 

“I--” Loki inhaled raggedly as his eyes flitted uncertainly over Thor’s face, now. “I wanted to go. I wanted--”

“ _Please_.” Thor repeated. 

And, before he could stop the movement. Thor found himself curling forward, his forehead resting on his hands, cupped and trembling over Loki’s. 

“Loki, please.” he continued, when Loki only continued to gasp wetly above him, and allowed his eye to fall shut, again. “It wasn’t real. It--it was--” 

_What?_

If not a true apparition (for of this Thor was certain, knowing full well that Frigga would never demand something like this of her beloved son), what could have possibly haunted Loki with realism enough to leave such a lasting impression? 

“It wasn’t real.” Thor repeated, for lack of an adequate answer to the question. “Please.” 

He inhaled a deep, steadying breath, before straightening, though he did not remove his hands from atop Loki’s, and met Loki’s gaze with a soft, pleading look. 

Loki, for his part, eyed Thor warily for a long moment, short and wet breaths leaving him in almost desperate pants as his gaze flickered--

Then, abruptly, his face twisted, and he crumpled forward with a wail. 

“I’m sorry.” he whispered, tugging against Thor’s hold in what was no doubt an effort to hide his face behind his hands, again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” 

It was when Thor felt Loki’s tears beginning to fall, wet and still warm, onto the tender skin of his wrists that he finally allowed his resolve to break. 

Keeping one hand firmly over Loki’s, Thor surged up on his knees to wrap the opposite arm tightly around Loki’s heaving shoulders, his hand rising automatically to clasp at the back of his brother’s head, gently, as if he might break under the touch. 

And, if the soft, wretched sound Loki released at the contact was anything to go by, Thor did not doubt that he might. 

“Shh.” he soothed, lowly. “Don’t be sorry. It’s alright, Loki. It wasn’t real. Everything’s alright, now.” 

“I’m sorry.” Loki continued to gasp, fretfully, and shook his head wearily where Thor had guided it to rest against his own shoulder. “I--I wanted--I’m sorry.” 

“It’s alright.” Thor insisted, and turned to press a long and forceful kiss to the side of Loki’s curls, not bothering to hide the tears that had begun to streak down his cheek as Loki continued to shudder beneath him. “Don’t. It’s alright, Loki.” 

“A--Amma!” Loki cried, suddenly. And, before Thor could quite register what he intended, was tearing his hand out from beneath Thor’s hold and bringing it up to grip tightly at the fabric of Thor’s flannel at his waist. “I’m sorry!” 

“L--Loki.” Thor whispered, feeling as if his heart were being torn in two as a sob bubbled out from deep within his chest. “Lo, it’s alright.”

“Amma.” Loki only continued to whisper, and twisted his head so that Thor could feel his tears against the side of his neck. “I’m sorry.” 

“She--” Thor inhaled a tremulous breath, and turned to press his face into Loki’s hair, again. 

“She loved you, Loki. You know that she loved you.” 

Beneath him, Loki’s trembling only increased, and Thor felt something within himself give a violent twist as his brother released a soft whimper, almost too low to hear.

“This isn’t real.” he added, again. “You don’t need to be sorry.” 

Then, softly, “I love you, Loki. It’s alright.” 

There was a beat, before Loki barked another sob, and curled closer, both his hands now scrambling for purchase in the fabric at Thor’s chest and shoulders.

“I--I don’t know what to do.” he gasped, lowly, and Thor considered that the admission would have been painful for him, under almost any other circumstances. “I--I can’t--” 

“Shh.” Thor soothed, and began to run his hand softly through Loki’s curls. “That’s alright. It’s okay. We can figure it out together.” 

He began to rock the two of them, slowly, and allowed himself to tilt his head in order to press a soft kiss to Loki’s sweat damp forehead. 

“We’ll figure it out.” 

\---

Thor wasn’t entirely sure what had awoken him. 

He hummed softly, and narrowed his eye as it adjusted to the dark of the bedroom. 

He also wasn’t sure of just how long it had been since he had gotten Loki to calm that morning, and managed to convince him to have a mug of tea, rather than coffee, before ushering the both of them to the bedroom and coaxing Loki down onto the bed. 

The moon that hung heavy just outside the window, however, told Thor that it had to be 8pm, at the earliest. 

He himself had not been quite ready to fall asleep, after he had managed to get Loki to fall into bed, though he had not been willing to leave the room even for a moment, and instead had crawled into bed to lie beside his brother, in order to remain as close as was comfortable as Loki had stirred fitfully. 

It wasn’t long, however, before Loki had fallen into a deep slumber that he clearly needed, if the dark circles beneath his eyes were anything to go by. 

It made Thor wonder if he had gotten any sleep at all, the night before, and he had spent most of the afternoon hovering, his stomach twisting in guilt and worry, before he himself had dropped off not long after 5pm. 

The reminder of the morning’s events and, subsequently, the following conversation, made Thor frown, now, and he turned with a small huff to lie on his back--

Only for his heart to practically stop in his chest, when his eyes fell on where Loki was sat in bed beside him, upright and ramrod straight, his gaze trained with almost frightening intensity on the corner of the room beside the door. 

Once he’d recovered himself somewhat, Thor felt his blood chill slightly as he studied Loki’s pointed, almost lifeless stare. 

Particularly when it seemed that Loki had not registered his movement, at all. 

“Loki?” he inquired, hesitantly, on a whisper. “Are you…” 

Loki did not answer, did not even stir, and Thor felt his stomach drop at the implications behind that. 

“Loki.” he repeated, a bit more firmly, now, and leaned forward to rest a hand on Loki’s wrist--

Which, as it turned out, was a poor choice, for Loki flinched violently beneath his touch, his dark hair falling into his face like a curtain over a window as he turned sharply to face Thor with a sharp inhale and an almost terrified look. 

“It’s just me!” Thor cried, when it seemed that Loki was about to spiral into another bout of panic. 

He raised both hands, then, and offered Loki what was, hopefully, a small and encouraging smile. 

“Just me, Loki.” 

There was a beat, before something registered dimly behind Loki’s eyes, and he relaxed minutely, though Thor did not miss the small tremble of his jaw as he exalted a long breath. 

“Thor.” he breathed, and blinked rapidly. “I--” 

He trailed off, and his gaze flickered briefly back to the corner before it landed on Thor, again. 

“You--you were distracted.” Thor informed, a little lamely, and shifted so that he was sat up against the headboard at Loki’s side. “Another nightmare?”

Loki paused, his brow furrowed, before he shook his head almost uncertainly. 

“No.” he admitted, at length. 

And, when it seemed that Loki was not going to continue, Thor nodded softly and extended a hand to rest it at the side of Loki’s neck, pleased when his brother did little more than stiffen slightly beneath the touch. 

“Alright.” he agreed, after a moment, and decided not to press the issue any further tonight. 

No more, tonight. 

“Do you want to lay back down?” he inquired lowly, to which Loki nodded almost immediately. 

Thor allowed his smile to widen, ever so slightly, and shifted in order to guide them back onto the mattress, settling Loki against the pillows below, first, before he followed suit. 

He did not, however, miss the way Loki’s gaze fell briefly back to the corner of the room, nor the way his brother shuddered visibly before both his eyes slid shut. 

“It’s alright, Loki.” Thor murmured, and used the hand still on Loki’s neck to stroke soothingly along the tender skin there. “I’ve got you.” 

And, though Loki did not open his eyes, he nodded, once, before his features tightened slightly. 

It was all the warning Thor got before Loki was falling forward, his forehead pressed to Thor’s collar as he exhaled a tremulous breath. 

“I’ve got you.” Thor repeated, and automatically began to stroke a hand down Loki’s rigid spine. “Go back to sleep.” 

Loki nodded faintly again, and tensed further for a brief moment before he fell limp and quiet in Thor’s arms. 

Thor, for his part, merely leaned down to brush a soft kiss to the top of his brother’s head, before he leaned back and continued to stroke his shoulders slowly. 

“I’ve got you.” he promised, again. 

And, as long as he was able, he intended to keep that promise.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm a bit obsessed with Thor using "Lo" as a nickname for Loki. also, i really want to write a part two for this one.
> 
> this was definitely one of my favorite whumptober fills so far. ticked every box for me. a joy of an experience. 
> 
> (also yes the title is just lyrics from the song 'Linda Rondstadt' by AJJ because that song makes me bawl like a baby almost every time for no reason).
> 
> (also sorry that this is a late entry and that i've been spotty with updates! midterms are just. happening).
> 
> [tumblr !](http://littlekinng.tumblr.com) xx 


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